That time I went too far...

My boys were five. It was late, past their bedtime, and I needed them asleep. Which is, of course, exactly when they started arguing about who said what to whom at lunch. I asked them to stop once… twice… still didn’t stop… 

“GO TO SLEEP. NOW!”

Complete silence.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have yelled like that.”

I leaned in to kiss them goodnight and… They both turned their heads away.

One of the twins couldn't fall asleep. Jumping on the bed. 

“Mama! Watch how I exercise” 😳
“Mama! Wanna know what happened today?” (not right now, no)
“Mama…”

I felt the heat climb my chest. Same signal, same hour.

My mouth opened and… "you’re having trouble falling asleep. How can I help you relax?"

“I don’t know. Hold me for a bit?”

There was a time he wouldn't have asked me that.

I did. He was out in two minutes.

Back then, I wasn't really mad they were still awake. I was watching my evening fall apart. Every "Mama..." meant one less email, one more dish in the sink, one less minute on the couch before doing it all again tomorrow.

I liked, no, I NEEDED, things to go to plan.

Every delay felt bigger than it should have. By the time frustration had to go somewhere, it went to them. No filter, no script.

What changed was the pause.

I found it between the heat and the yell, and used it to ask what he needed instead of just needing him to stop.

Some nights I still miss it but way less. And most importantly, it doesn't leave my kids turning their heads away anymore.

This week, pick one evening and let a piece of the plan go on purpose. Leave the kitchen (ok, one dish). Let bedtime run long. Skip the last emails.

Just once (the house stays standing, I swear).

Then don't measure what the slip cost you. Watch your kid instead. See what they bring you when you're not rushing them off to the next thing.

Every week I'm going to answer one. A question from a mom I work with. Here's this week's:

"I know what I should be saying but when I’m exhausted, I just go on autopilot and end up yelling at her. Why?"

Because when you're that tired, the thinking part of your brain (the part that learned all the scripts) is the first to go quiet and falls back on whatever it's practised most: the reaction you learned years ago for handling frustration and discomfort.

It’s not that you forgot the better move. When you're that tired, the old reaction just gets there first (been there, done that).

And trying harder doesn't reach it, that’s exactly why we work on what's underneath instead. Don’t make it mean anything about who you are, just see it for what it is: the pattern firing.