Nobody on the call knew what happened on the way to school

"Hurry up! Now I'm going to be late, I’ll get into trouble. All because you couldn't listen and get ready on time! It's really not that hard!"

Same story, almost every morning. Sometimes with tears, sometimes with a silent ride to school.

Twenty minutes later, I'd open Zoom. Big smile.

"Morning everyone!"

Nobody on that call knew. I pushed it down and got on with the agenda (years of practice had made me good at that).
But it didn't stay down. By lunchtime I was still hearing myself.

Are they having a bad day because of how we started it?

I'd just want the day to end so I could see them and apologize. And when I couldn't focus, I looked for the problem at work.

What's wrong with me? I used to be good at this. Maybe I've lost my game.

We tend to look for the problem in whichever room it shows up in.
Can't focus at work? Work problem.
Not enjoying the job like you used to? Work problem.

And underneath that, quieter, is the thought you don't say on the call:

I keep replaying it. Are they replaying it too?

Those two thoughts sit in the same chair all day. We just file them in different folders.

If you grew up where anything less than perfect counted as failing, a bad morning feels like a failing grade. And you carry that grade into every room you walk into that day.

Social media is full of advice for keeping work from coming home. "Be present." So I learned to leave things at the door, and even got good at it.

Then I used the same skill in reverse: push the morning down, open the laptop and smile at the little squares.

What I couldn't see was that pushing it down didn't make it disappear. The morning still came to work with me. By lunchtime, all I could see was that I couldn't focus.

So of course, I tried to fix it at work. More focus. Try harder. Do more hours.

It took me a long time to notice what I was bringing in with me every morning.

Next time you can't focus because you're replaying what happened that morning, write down:

“What I want to come back to tonight: ______.”

That's it.
You don't have to fix anything from your desk. It just stops living in your head and starts waiting for you on paper.

Then, when you have more space, look back at what happened and ask: “What was I reacting to, beyond what was actually happening?”

It might have been the lateness, which felt like failing before 9am in the morning. Or "not listening," which you heard as disrespect. Or the 5th time you asked, when some part of you thought, I shouldn't have to.

Whatever it was, that's the thing to catch earlier next time.